Monday, July 18, 2011

Confession Time

Busyness is one of the big reasons I haven’t posted much lately.  But I also haven’t been posting because I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  I just plain didn’t feel like it.

I was disappointed in myself that I bombed on the 31 day cleaning challenge.  I started off strong and just couldn’t keep up the motivation.  This happens to me all the time.  I get a bee in my bonnet to get organized and get serious about it.  Then I quickly lose the motivation…usually because something happens that seems to wipe out all of my progress.  Then I feel overwhelmed again and just don’t even know how to get started again.

Then there is my health….well, weight mostly.  I know I am overweight - really overweight.  Those of you that know me would be shocked if you knew just how overweight.  The thing is I know what I need to do.  I’ve done it before.  I lost 50 pounds about 8 years ago.  But getting married and having two kids caused me to slide back into a lot of bad habits.  I had started to lose some weight before I got pregnant with Brother Blessing.  And I didn’t gain as much with him as I did with Sister Blessing.  So I thought it would be easier to lose the weight.  Wrong!

Part of it was my rationalization that I didn’t want to do too much about my weight while I was nursing Brother Blessing.  Well, he has been weaned for about a month and was slowly weaning himself before that anyway.  Now it’s time to get serious again.  I want to lose weight for a lot reasons:  family medical history, to be a good example to my kids, to be healthy and to feel good about myself again.  But I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.  I’ve been trying off and on by myself for awhile…it is so discouraging to work so hard and not see much in the way of results.  I’ve been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  So I know it won’t come off immediately.  However, I often feel like I work really hard and see nothing for my hard work.  And that is a big motivation killer.  Which then leads me to get discouraged…which leads me to slide back into bad habits again…vicious cycle…sigh.

When I lost the weight before, I was single, had a lot of disposable income and time.  At this point in my life, time and money are not as disposable.  It’s hard to find time to exercise and do the prep/planning needed to get the momentum going again.  And we have financial goals that have caused us to put ourselves on a self-imposed, very tight budget.  I did Weight Watchers and worked out at Curves before.   I also was part of a gym before I got pregnant with Brother Blessing.  I was making progress, but the pregnancy, especially the first trimester, wore me out.  Between the fatigue and nausea, I just couldn’t keep up with my workouts.

I’m beginning to feel like I need the accountability of WW again…and would love to have a gym membership again.   I also have rediscovered how much I enjoy swimming as exercise.  But gyms with pools are expensive!  Plus, I need childcare.  Chief Blessing’s work schedule would make it hard to work out only when he was home.  I know I can’t fit both into our budget again…Well, we could maybe do it, but I don’t want to kill the momentum we have going for our financial goals.  We might be able to swing one or the other.  I waver between which one would benefit me the most.  I’m leaning towards WW – because walking is free!  And it’s the eating I really need to focus on right now.  Part of me just hates the idea of paying for something when I know what I should be doing…and trying to fit something else in my schedule.   But I also haven’t done that well on my own, so maybe I need the help.

Ugh…sorry for the long rant/vent.  I just have really been in a funk about all of this lately.  I really want to make some changes.  I have the head knowledge to make a lot of these changes happen.  I just am struggling to find the self-discipline to start with a plan and stick with it.  I’m not really sure what the point of this post is other than to give you an idea of where my head has been.  It’s been hard to write about blessings when I’ve been in a weird mental state.  I’m working on trying to focus on the positives.  I know all of this will get figured out at some point.  Hopefully, now that we will be home for awhile I can really put some time into planning what I want to do.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Summer Blessings

Wow.  I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last posted.  I have been doing some sewing, but it’s all been for birthday presents and/or bartering with friends.  We are going full speed ahead through summer.  We had Brother Blessing’s one year birthday celebration.  Then we had two weeks of swimming lessons for Sister Blessing.  She also went to her first sleepover at our dear friends’ house – they live very close by and are like family.  

Then we only had a short break and we were off for a cross country trip to visit family in Arizona.  It was a verrrrrrrrryyyyyyy long, two-day drive there and back.  There really isn’t much to see other than dust devils and cacti in West Texas and New Mexico.  Sister Blessing was fascinated by the windmills and the fact that you could see Mexico when we were in El Paso.  Her understatement of the week:  “It is hot in the desert!”.    Can I get an amen?  I felt like I was roasting out there in the “dry heat”.  But we had a lot of fun with family and were sad to leave.  Best souvenir:  Brother Blessing started taking his first real steps.  He will walk as many as five steps at a time before he decides crawling is just way faster right now.  Though he walks around pushing his little lawn mower with one hand...go figure.  I guess he thinks the lawn mower is holding him up.

Then we were barely home and celebrated Fourth of July with some close friends.  And then prepared to leave again…well, at least some of us…Chief Blessing had to stay at home to work.  The little blessings and I have been spending some time in Grandma and Grandpa Land.  Brother Blessing is testing his mischief making abilities in the larger and much more interesting surroundings.  Sister Blessing is loving all the extra attention and fun things to do.  And the fact that Mommy tends to relax some of the normal rules while we are here.   The re-programming plan will commence shortly after we arrive back home.  ;)

Then we are only home about week before we have VBS at our church.  This is the first year that Sister Blessing gets to attend as an actual participant and not just in child care for the workers.  I don’t think she really understands what it is, but I know she is going to have a blast.

So that is our summer so far in a nutshell.  All the activities and Brother Blessing’s increasing mobility have put a severe cramp in my spare time.  (Spare time – what’s that? Ha!)  So when given a choice between spending that time sewing/crafting or blogging....Well, since it’s been almost two months since I posted on my blog, I guess we know which one is a higher priority.  I have some projects in the works I would like to blog about and would also like to share some pictures of what I have done this summer.  But that will have to wait until another day.  We may be in Grandma and Grandpa Land, but Brother Blessing only wants Mommy if he wakes up at 5am.  And my sleep has been greatly affected by the fact that Chief Blessing isn’t here with us.  :(   So I will try to be good and get to bed before midnight…Now if I can just turn brain off and actually sleep…..