Monday, July 18, 2011

Confession Time

Busyness is one of the big reasons I haven’t posted much lately.  But I also haven’t been posting because I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  I just plain didn’t feel like it.

I was disappointed in myself that I bombed on the 31 day cleaning challenge.  I started off strong and just couldn’t keep up the motivation.  This happens to me all the time.  I get a bee in my bonnet to get organized and get serious about it.  Then I quickly lose the motivation…usually because something happens that seems to wipe out all of my progress.  Then I feel overwhelmed again and just don’t even know how to get started again.

Then there is my health….well, weight mostly.  I know I am overweight - really overweight.  Those of you that know me would be shocked if you knew just how overweight.  The thing is I know what I need to do.  I’ve done it before.  I lost 50 pounds about 8 years ago.  But getting married and having two kids caused me to slide back into a lot of bad habits.  I had started to lose some weight before I got pregnant with Brother Blessing.  And I didn’t gain as much with him as I did with Sister Blessing.  So I thought it would be easier to lose the weight.  Wrong!

Part of it was my rationalization that I didn’t want to do too much about my weight while I was nursing Brother Blessing.  Well, he has been weaned for about a month and was slowly weaning himself before that anyway.  Now it’s time to get serious again.  I want to lose weight for a lot reasons:  family medical history, to be a good example to my kids, to be healthy and to feel good about myself again.  But I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.  I’ve been trying off and on by myself for awhile…it is so discouraging to work so hard and not see much in the way of results.  I’ve been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  So I know it won’t come off immediately.  However, I often feel like I work really hard and see nothing for my hard work.  And that is a big motivation killer.  Which then leads me to get discouraged…which leads me to slide back into bad habits again…vicious cycle…sigh.

When I lost the weight before, I was single, had a lot of disposable income and time.  At this point in my life, time and money are not as disposable.  It’s hard to find time to exercise and do the prep/planning needed to get the momentum going again.  And we have financial goals that have caused us to put ourselves on a self-imposed, very tight budget.  I did Weight Watchers and worked out at Curves before.   I also was part of a gym before I got pregnant with Brother Blessing.  I was making progress, but the pregnancy, especially the first trimester, wore me out.  Between the fatigue and nausea, I just couldn’t keep up with my workouts.

I’m beginning to feel like I need the accountability of WW again…and would love to have a gym membership again.   I also have rediscovered how much I enjoy swimming as exercise.  But gyms with pools are expensive!  Plus, I need childcare.  Chief Blessing’s work schedule would make it hard to work out only when he was home.  I know I can’t fit both into our budget again…Well, we could maybe do it, but I don’t want to kill the momentum we have going for our financial goals.  We might be able to swing one or the other.  I waver between which one would benefit me the most.  I’m leaning towards WW – because walking is free!  And it’s the eating I really need to focus on right now.  Part of me just hates the idea of paying for something when I know what I should be doing…and trying to fit something else in my schedule.   But I also haven’t done that well on my own, so maybe I need the help.

Ugh…sorry for the long rant/vent.  I just have really been in a funk about all of this lately.  I really want to make some changes.  I have the head knowledge to make a lot of these changes happen.  I just am struggling to find the self-discipline to start with a plan and stick with it.  I’m not really sure what the point of this post is other than to give you an idea of where my head has been.  It’s been hard to write about blessings when I’ve been in a weird mental state.  I’m working on trying to focus on the positives.  I know all of this will get figured out at some point.  Hopefully, now that we will be home for awhile I can really put some time into planning what I want to do.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for being real with us Dawn. I know how you feel. I know your not asking for answers from anyone so I won't try to say what I think you should do. I know if I don't exercise (which I can't either right now) I have to really work on getting my emotions and thoughts in the right place. Exercise does so much for the body but also for the mind. My sister loves WW as she feels the encouragement from other people is so essential to getting to your goal. It reminds me of the body of Christ and how we need each other.

    I will say that most of the time even when I don't have a boot I don't feel like exercising. I don't feel like eating carrots. I want to sit and eat cookies. :) Sometimes I don't want to play Candyland anymore or watch kids swim in a pool. I just wanna sit and do nothing. That's when I realize I can't do anything by my strength or will alone. Joni Eareakson Tada (a quadrelplegic) says there are days she wakes up and says, "I don't have the strength to be a quadrelplegic today Lord." and she hears someone running her bath and she prays, "o.k. Lord give me the strength to smile at this lady and be kind to her." She sees her day as a series of steps to lean on God.

    Your probably already doing this but give your eating and exercise to Him. Pray for time and money to go do the things you want to do to be healthy. God wants in on it, in on you. I think that's what the scripture means when it says to never cease praying. We are continually talking to Him and asking Him in on us.

    geez, I write too much. I am praying for you my friend.